I thought I had, but I hadn't

So today was day one of LSS. LSS is a seminiar (Life in the Spirit Seminar) that I help lead, as a small group leader and speaker. This evenings talk was centered around struggles that we face with faith and how we grow into the person we are meant to become. While I did find so much of this evening's talk interesting and helpful one quote certainly stuck with me, "I thought I had, but I hadn't"

How often do we find that is the case? Either we believe or simply force ourselves to believe that we have truly done something and as it turns out, we have not. The first thing that comes to mind is forgiveness. How often have we allowed ourselves to believe that we have truly forgiven someone of an emotional or maybe even physical crime against us, when in reality we hold that anger and ill will towards that person within us? And perhaps even worse, how often have we said that we have forgiven ourselves when in truth, we still harbor feelings of shame and even self loathing? What an ill effect this idea can have on not only ourselves, but also on every relationship to which we belong and are a part of. Why is it that if God himself can forgive so easily, forgive us of so many horrendous atrocities, and we are made in his image and likeness, do we find it so hard to forgive.

I know for a fact that I myself am guilty of this. Perhaps not so much now as before, but still a struggler none the less. I feel as though before, I was always quick to forgive others, however not myself. I began to hate what I had become, however without even noticing it. I found it hard to forgive and love myself, and as a result I felt lost and unworthy, therefore it didn't matter what I did. So if I didn't love myself, who else was going to see in me someone worth loving. The funny thing is that now I'm faced with a new dilema, I finally have forgiven myself and seen my spiritual and emotional scars not as something that needs to be hidden, but rather as a blessed reminder of a place I never wish to revisit, a person I never want to be again but from whom I have gained so much growth. The new problem is that while I love myself and have truly found the path God has intended for me and have changed into the man that God created me to be and that I ran from for so long, every step thinking that I had taken a step forward, when in realilty I hadn't, it would seem that everyone else has been left with a lack of trust.

It seems that people who were hurt during my struggle want to see my change and say they do, however can not bring themselves to trust me, to forgive me, and most painfully to love me. They say that they do, but it doesn't feel like it. It would appear that they think they have forgiven me and are ready to love me, but in reality they haven't. This is a great fear of mine, a fear that is beginning to take its toll.

I will close this evening's entry by posing you with a challenge; think of someone you say you have forgiven and truly examine how you treat this person. Ask yourself if you truly feel that you have forgiven them or if you are just allowing yourself to believe it in the hopes that your false belief will ultimately force forgiveness into existence. Remember that God calls us to love those who least expect it, but even more those who (seemingly) least deserve it. It is we who need it most. Odds are the person who "wronged" you already has a reminder of who they never want to be again, and perhaps in their relationship with you they are searching for the knowledge that they are now worth loving and the solice in knowing that they are truly loved, unconditionally and without judgement or falsity. So ask yourself if you truly have forgiven and are ready to love, or if you just thought you had and remember that while your forgiveness and love may not mean much to the world, to one person it may mean the world.